My Name is Malach and I am an Addict
Published March 27th, 2008 in .No Plugs Tonight
I have been busy with important client site updates, trying to finish off Meet The Heroes Webcomic by Saturday, and working on the new podcast.
The meaning of my title
I am Malach and I have to come clean with my addiction. I am addicted to Wal-Mart. I am truly sorry that I am, but I cannot help it or control myself. What prompted this admission? It was Phoebe’s rant, and plea not to do the Wal-Mart thing anymore. I am really bad; I go to Wal-Mart at least once a week, sometimes more. Sometimes I just go to window shop. I have a Wal-Mart list on my fridge . . .
Yes, I understand Wal-Mart is about as evil a money grubbing corporation there is. They don’t care who they run over, or put out of business; who they get their products from; what employees lives they destroy; their discriminatory employment practices; and ridiculous things like unpaid overtime, no or crappy benefits. Yes, they piss me off, especially crap they pull like this. And probably a good chunk of clients I serviced have been effected badly by Wal-Mart at one time of their lives.
But I cannot stop going, I cannot stop talking about the bargains. I am a typical middle class family, a frugal shopper, and a bargain hunter, and that’s what appeals to me about Wal-Mart. Things like their grocery aisle, I can fill a carriage and spend $50. If I went to Shaw’s or Stop and Shop, that same carriage of stuff, would be $75 to $100. Example? A box of Captain Crunch at Shaw’s or Stop and Shop goes for around $5, at the local walmart? $2.20. A 24 pack of Pepsi (another vice of mine) grocery stores, $4.99, Wal-Mart, $2.95. And it is just not food. Health and Beauty Aids, Paper Goods, Auto Supplies, it is all cheaper. Toys? I got 2 kids under 7, they each have allowances. Wal-Mart is consistently 10% under the price of the same toys at Toy-R-Us.
I couldn’t even tell you the last time I went into a grocery store, I do all my shopping at Wal-Mart, BJ’s, and the butcher shop down the street. The only thing I almost never buy at Wal-Mart is clothing or electronics. And forget Target. Target is basically a pretty Wal-Mart, but then you have to pay a little more for the prettiness. Try this, paint your feces pretty colors, that is Target.
I mean seriously, I just replaced a ton of Bathroom Towels that got old . . . I spent $4 a piece of these huge fluffy towels, I would spent twice that elsewhere . . .
Wal-Mart owns my soul, Please help me, I have a problem!
Dear Malach
Some more questions!
- Vincent Morris writes: Dear Malach, Why would you think Kid Intense won’t survive the Meet The Heroes team up? I think other web superheroes need a team up, or a crossover. Would a webcomic superhero crossover do any good? and My opinion is what if print comic book heroes team up with web comic heroes? Well Vincent, your are in luck. Dr. Murk stated today, go for it. Read Meet The Heroes, and make a crossover in your own crazy style. As for your second question I answered that in a web series I did called ReInventing Webcomics. Problem, I have to reload the next few pages for you to see my opinions on that, which I will do tomorrow.
- Eve writes: Dear Malach, Love the title, “Pop Up Book of Human Anatomy.” Can you send me a copy? For you babe, I will make you one of those.
- Tiff writes: Dear Malach, I think I love Dick Biggman. Oh, and thanks for offering ot contact my work nemesis - do you take care of private life issues as well? Of course, there are many options, from Malach sending him crazy comics, emails, and such. Or alternatively, I could send mind bullets, and he will bother you no more, or I could get the Buckos Brigade out after him. By the way, feel free to add you name to the Buckos list.
- Dr. John Rebello writes: Dear Malach, Did you see Hodgson’s, News Conference? How does he keep getting voted in? Dr. John, unfortunately Hodgson is too tied in with the New Bedford Political Machine. Biff MacClean and his cronies keep him in office, now if Malach shows up dead, you know why.
- Bridget writes: Dear Malach, Are Spears’ forebears desserting their duty? Of course, they are just there of the money you know. Malach trying to get in on that action.
- The Mooooge writes: Dear Malach, How do I write you a question? Ahh see, you did, I am like a robot, anything in my comments ending in a question mark is Dear Malach fodder.
I am glad Malach could teach some life lessons today.
The Celtics
So they crushed the Suns, avenging one of the only teams they haven’t beaten, and I think they will do the same to New Orleans tomorrow. Malach is now ready to start his Kevin Garnett for MVP campaign too. . one of the most interesting stats is how many points they lead their opponents by when said player is in the game. The average for KG? 13.0. The next closest is Kobe at 8.0. Lebron? only 4.0.
This is what is happening in the trenches.
More and more middle class are ending up at our doorstep, not only for help with food, bills, rent, mortgage, utilities, but also homeless.
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Now, I have several Philly lurkers, and this hit home for some of them. Have you ever gone through this case? Talk about some MAJOR questions. The multiple trials also seem to be a bit of a sham. His associations with the Black Panthers and MOVE also went against him. The wikinazis have a pretty good article on it.
Oh by the way.
I LOVE THE PED EGG! My feet have never been so silky soft! Got that at Wal-Mart too! And Billy Mays didn’t even sell me it!
Oh nice
I know some people who would enjoy this.
This really bothers me
People who completely put their hands in God and blind themselves to perhaps a solution God might be offering them.
It always reminds me of this joke/parable:
A deeply religious man was out swimming, get pulled out by the rip tide, leaving the man treading water in very deep rough water. A lifeguard managed to see this happen, and he takes a jet ski out to save the man. The man refuses to get on board and be saved, waving the Jet Ski away telling the Lifeguard he is praying and God will save him. Soon he has floated out too far to sea for the jetski, and is getting very tired, but still praying.
The lifeguard calls for a boat which drives out where the drowning man is and attempts to pull the man to safety, he refuses, saying he is praying and waiting for God to save him. No matter what they do he refuses. The seas begin to get very rough, and the man is having a hard time staying afloat, but he still prays. It get too rough for the small boat so they call the Coast Guard as the man is further pulled out to sea barely managing to keep his head above the water. The Coast Guard sends a rescue helicopter, he does the same ting to the helicopter, shooing them away, telling them he is praying and God will come save him.
Needless to say, the guy drowns. He gets up to Heaven, and meets God and says, “God, why did you not save me from drowning?”
God looks at him and answers “You idiot, I sent you a jetski, a boat, and a helicopter”.
Malach’s Video of the Day
Ok, this is for all you Chuck Norris fans.
I am Malach and I sure hope Chuck Waxes that stuff now.
25 Responses to “My Name is Malach and I am an Addict”
- 1 Pingback on Apr 23rd, 2008 at 11:11 am
- 2 Pingback on Apr 23rd, 2008 at 11:21 am
I cant help you Malach because I am an addict myself. I like super Walmart. We also had a Super Target in Texas which is more expensive but much nicer. Guess it was super colored feces.
The story about the little girl makes me ill. How can you watch your child suffer and die. I dont understand it.
I am glad for the chance to educate you.
Sangoma: “Sangomas are the traditional healers in the Zulu, Swazi, Xhosa and Ndebele traditions in southern Africa. They perform a holistic and symbolic form of healing, embedded in the beliefs of their culture that ancestors in the afterlife guide and protect the living. The philosophy is based on a belief in ancestral spirits. Both men and women can be called by the ancestors to be a sangoma (a consequence of refusing the calling is usually ongoing physical or mental illness)”
Right, onto Wal-Mart, sounds like a dream, don’t stop going.
You have my sympathies on your addiction. I haven’t stepped foot in a Wal*Mart in years. Something about those low, low prices just makes people mean. Then all the problems with the Chinese products sealed the deal for me.
I go to Big Lots if I’m looking for cheap. Otherwise, I can find some killer sales at great stores like nobody’s business. Last time I bought towels, I got oversized Egyptian cotton towels that were normally $12 a towel for $4 a towel. I’ve been using those towels now for almost eight years and I still love them and they’re still just as thick and soft and fluffy as when I bought them.
A TV movie of the week about a hyper-religious family who let their diabetic son die because they refused to give him insulin once saved my dad’s life. I had seen the movie. Diabetes runs in my dad’s side of the family really bad. His mother died from it. Well, Dad had been sorta sick for a while but all of the symptoms weren’t really textbook diabetes symptoms so that didn’t enter his mind. In the movie, a day or so before the little boy died he got a horrible headache that would not go away. Mom picked me up from work one day (when Dad usually did) and said that Dad was on the couch with a headache so bad he could hardly lift his head. That movie came to mind immediately. I got an at-home test kit on the way home and tested him. It turns various shades of grays and greens to indicate how high a person’s sugar is. Dad’s turned black. When we took him to his doctor, they made him ride in a wheelchair to get to the hospital because his doctor said he was within hours of death. He lived a good 16 or 17 years more after that.
I still like colored feces… I mean Target.
Hate Wal-Mart, love Tarshay.
Got your Handiwipes ready for when Tequila sees that video?
When I was living in Utah, I did go to Wal*Mart because it was right next door to may apartment. I had never been to one before so I didn’t know what to expect. Other than food, pretty much everything else I had to buy there has fallen apart or broke but that is pretty typical of a lot of places these days (Target included).
One thing for sure, if you don’t want to buy products made in China (which I don’t), then you will have one hell of a time shopping at Wal*Mart.
Are you Randy Marsh?
Oh my … I am soooooo hot for The Malach and Dr Murk Show. Brilliant!
Am I the only one who watched “How I Met Your Mother” the other night?
On a related note: Am I really that lame?
Anyway…Britney was on it.
At the beginning of the show, I was like: “Man..she really looks like shit.”
By the end of the show, I was like: “Well..she still looks like shit..but I wonder if she’d let me hit it.”
Maybe she’s on an upswing.
I have seen the movie Meet the Spartans which it is funny. When King Leonidas greets the persian messenger, but he greet him with an open mouth tongue kiss. I feel in the movie that it is a spartan greeting. Men do high fives on the women, and men do open mouth tongue kisses on the men. Don’t you think it is inappropriate?
oh Wal Mart is not my fave…I love Big lots! which is as cheep as wal mart w/o being so cold hearted.
Big Lots, most of the times is even cheaper than the dollar store…
Am I the only one who was initially grossed out by the ped egg shavings, and then thought I WANT ONE! almost right away?
Also - the colon robots scare me.
It takes a techie to mention Captain Crunch, the phonephreaker, in such a matter-of-fact way.
Eve: We could sponsor each other!
Bridget: I had a buddy named Pal from Liberia years ago, used to teach me to swear in swahili, haven’t seen him in years. Bridget, can I use hot for the Murk and Malach Show is advertising?
BuzzBill; Don’t have many Big Lots around here, just one locally and it is a real crappy store, worse than a Salvation Army store
Rag: Target to me is Wal-Mart, same type of product, similar quality, and they charge you extra to look pretty.
HTGT: See above comment about Target, same crap, just a bow on it.
Mike: is there anywhere you can go that does not sell Chinese products?
Angry: Besides being a geologist, sure.
MOOOG; Probably, loser.
Vincent: Turned you on?
Toyi: See above comment about Big Lots
Tiff: Shavings are like powder it is weird, but the thing works beautifully
HungryMom: MMMM Cap’n Crunch
Crag with a bow is pretty.
I have another opinion. If the Rubbersuit Studios comics get a show, I think it can be on Adult Swim. Any comic of your will be as a TV show for Adult Swim? I even written a Kid Intense movie and we could make it as a cartoon movie. Can that be fun?
I love the use of the semi-colon in your Walmart rant. Kudos!
Rag; Don’t you know, even though we have never seen a pic
VINCE: I am trying
Murky: I learn good.
dear malach,
how would you like chuck norris to kill you when he shows up to exact his revenge?
a) being punched so hard with his fury that your skeleton comes out from your skin and drops to it’s knees to beg for forgiveness?
b) being flying roundhouse kicked in such a way your children instantly turn into gingers to pay homage to chuck’s awesomeness?
c) dying from the cold steely fear you feel inside because you know chuck is coming for you to make you pay the toll for engaging in the martials art of douchebag-fu?
Hhhmmm… I go to WalMart very often and I see no problem with it though. I’ve a friend who proudly told me once that one of his biggest achievements in life is he hasn’t stepped foot in WalMart before. I immediately called him an idiot - silently! Come on, give me a break, who needs to be so pretentious nowadays? I bet even Bill Gates shopped at WalMart before!
Teq: Yeah a cool question!
Mother Hen: We can be addicts together!
Try Costco as an alternative to B.J/Wal* Mart. Prices are competitive and the two companies philosophies are night and day- Costco believes in treating employees well and paying them fairly, good benefits, responsive, and so on. They’re an example of the fact that you can be a good company and still make money.
I was going to mention CostCo, but the Colonel beat me to it. Costco actually has one of the lowest turnover rates in retail because they treat their employees decently. Also, when Wall Street pressured Costco to reduce health benefits to increase profits, the CEO basically told Wall Street to fuck off. I love Costco for that.
Target is not necessarily a paragon of virtue, but it’s not half as evil as Wal-Mart.
But seriously, the real trick is, just look at the stuff you’re buying. Stuff like Captain Crunch and Pepsi is not real food. It’s over-processed, nutritionally negative crap that is killing us. And look at the other stuff. How much Chinese-made cheap shit have you bought that breaks down and gets thrown out in a year or two or three? And what kind of toxins went into that cheap stuff that you’ll never know about?
There are a thousand hidden costs to shopping at Wal-Mart.
So, c’mon. Just go two weeks without setting foot in a Wal-Mart. C’mon, I dare you. Consider it a challenge!